Returning home my feet are weighed down with the boggy mud, wrapped up warm I gaze over the horizon admiring the beauty of the sky, a mixture of blue, flashes of white and the sun shining in the distance. The landscape is littered with Halloween decorations together with the expectations of humour, fun and frightening characters. The excitement of Halloween merges with a different type of energy lingering in the air. There is a sense of change that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s like the feeling that the traffic light is about to change to red but you don’t know when.
When do we know what is about to happen anyway? Most of our experiences in life are like a surprise sprung upon us, some we see as good and some not so. More and more I am hearing of young people committing suicide, of people living through depression, of stress strangling the life out of people who are determined to keep going, the fear of not having enough money, the constant nit picking about the way that we look, the endless pattern of comparing ourselves to others. I have lived through all of these experiences and it has impacted me deeply. It changed when I got to a point where I hit rock bottom and I was forced to look at myself. Not as the persona that I portrayed to others, and myself, but as the true me hidden behind my mask. I am going to be honest, it wasn’t easy looking through all of the beliefs that I had adopted, from not being good enough, to being a good girl, to pleasing others and feeling unworthy. It was a hell of a weight to carry on my shoulders and if I would have been on Easy Jet they would’ve charged me a fortune in excess luggage.
I mean, why do we carry that extra luggage around with us and are we even aware of it. What makes you compare yourself to your friend who seems to have a boyfriend and you don’t, does that make you any less? Yes, Social Media might help her to portray herself as having the ‘perfect relationship’ when she posts romantic photos up. But behind the computer what is the reality? I survived 4 toxic relationships where I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused. I hit rock bottom several times and yet I never gave up on myself. Yet throughout it all, in every one of my Social media posts I was wearing a smile. That was my mask. Most people didn’t know the reality.
Today after many years of helping and healing myself, I look back and thank each of those men for helping me to strip me of the ideas and beliefs about myself that didn’t work for me anymore. I learned from every relationship that I had. I learned to express my needs, then I began to express my feelings, this moved into expressing my needs without attaching myself to the outcome and now I am moving into not feeling triggered by others reactions to what I say or do. Each day is a growth of who I am. Each day I move into more of myself. I can’t be, say or do anything which isn’t in alignment with me, so this means stripping the mask off and being authentic. Ask me how I feel and I will tell you and it won’t be the usual of, “I’m fine” or “I’m ok”. I will be honest.
In being open there are still experiences which ‘trigger’ a feeling, today it was ‘annoyance’. I felt annoyed at a post that I saw because it felt ‘off’ to me, I didn’t feel the genuineness of the words matched the energy of what was said. It felt ‘people pleasing’ to me. I also feel annoyed when my words are ‘ignored’, because it feels like that my words are falling on deaf ears. The annoyance then gets turned inward on myself and it feels like a swirling heat in my belly and I feel helpless. I don’t stop this feeling because I can’t. Instead I asked myself what I needed and the answer was ‘sleep’, so I allowed myself to rest and I woke up feeling better. My body had worked through the feelings. I gave my body the time to reset itself.
Why is it that we give our technology the time it needs to reset or update its systems and yet we don’t give our body that same attention? Why is it that our eyebrows are more important than really opening up to a loved one who only wants to connect and love us? Why is it that we are so blind to the pain behind a loved one’s eyes then are surprised when we find out they are depressed, anxious or even commit suicide? When are we going to begin to drop our masks, to examine what is stopping us from being authentic and get down to the core of what we all want? To love and to be loved exactly for who we are?
It starts with you, you have got the power to create your world, a world where freedom exists to be who you are. A world where love abounds and gratitude is at the forefront of your thinking. A world where hard work and money is not the priority, rather relationships, love, peace and wellbeing are the norm. It all starts with you, you have the power to create this magical world, what’s stopping you? Reach out to others. Be there for yourself, treat yourself with love and kindness. Love is the only thing that works. Be gentle. And when the waves hit you, dive in deep. For only when we allow ourselves to feel, we then allow ourselves to be real. At this point, there is freedom and love.
You’ve got nothing to lose, be you!
You are loved as you are.