Suicidal

william-randles-400889 hanging on

What is it like to feel unsettled?

It could be that your mind is racing forwards like a Mustang V8 engine raring to let rip!

It could be you have invested heavily into the stocks and shares of your relationship or job and no matter how much you more you invest, it is not fulfilling you.

Or it could be rollercoaster ride of experiences and the never-ending ups followed by downs is exhausting you.

Even the exhaustion of completing a mountain of tasks or being there for everyone else and never having a moment for you.

What are your experiences?

This is what suicide felt like…to me

It was a week since I received a phone call telling me that my fiancé was…dead. I couldn’t believe it, my heart sank, I felt empty and a huge part of my soul was ripped from me in that split second.  Imagine the crushing feeling in your chest, like your heart has been ripped out, a stabbing pain that is relentlessly there. Never-ending.

The guilt I felt.  I can still recall the argument we had that morning and that was my last memory, which parachuted my self-blame to new heights.

The shock I felt.  I went from living with my fiancé to losing him to spirit, within a day, it was sudden and I didn’t get chance to say goodbye! And worse was yet to come.

When I began asking questions, I was immediately rejected by his family.  As well as dealing with the grief of losing Tony, I felt further rejection.

I spent days, weeks and months… with tears flowing like endless rivers. Or in a comatose, numb state of disbelief and abandonment.  I just wanted to rip the pain out, to feel some sense of normality.  Loneliness penetrated every cell in my body, the feeling of being so empty, helpless and rejected.  It was indescribable and words don’t even do it justice.  The pain was insurmountable, or so I thought.

Have you ever felt like this at any time in your life?

Endless questions haunted me: What has happened? Why did this happen to me? Why does this always happen? I am a kind woman, I am funny, and I am smart.  I am many things and yet the endless question haunted me- what is wrong with me?

Why am I so bad?

Why am I not worth being with?

Why has this happened to me?

Why can’t I just be loved?

Why can’t I be happy?

Why is life so hard?

Have you ever pondered any of these questions to the extent that every detail is analysed right to its core?  I had to know the answers. I had to find out. To me it was a matter of life and death, a need to know.  I was like a dog with a bone, searching, questioning like a Columbo attempting to gather up the evidence.

My life was never the same again!

The first month I can remember sitting on my sofa, staring out of the window or posting cries for help on Facebook, just to validate my self-worth and feel loved again.  I hated ME.  I didn’t do much else.  I was filled with a chasm of emptiness and in unbelievable pain.  I seesawed between endless tears to utter numbness back to tears to sleeping and back again.  That’s all that I did.  I felt alone.  I did have a few close friends and my parents but I didn’t feel able to fully confide or trust them with ‘everything’ for fear of alienating them too or them wanting to rescue me.  I didn’t want rescuing and after all they had their own lives and I was quite independent and strong.  That’s what everyone tells me.  I was strong for others but when it came down to looking after myself, I was appalling! I had no interest in being here, of living, all I wanted to do was to be with him.

I didn’t want to live.  If you would have seen me then you would’ve seen me unwashed, with dishevelled hair and unkempt trackies on. I had no interest in looking after myself, I had no interest in life.  My days were filled with reminiscing, crying, staring into space, thinking, playing back his voice from recordings, looking at photographs and walking.  At my lowest point I decided to take some paracetemol, more than the dosage recommended. I just thought, I am done, I’ve had enough of this pain, and I want to ‘go home’.  The correct term is I contemplated suicide.

Yet there was always something niggling in the back of my mind, don’t take ‘too many’ because I have to look after my boys. Who else will? And when I mean my boys, I mean my two dogs, Shay Shay (who passed away in 2014) and Ricky. They are the main reason I was able to pick myself up. I knew they relied on me, I was responsible for feeding them, walking them, loving them and looking after them.  They are and always will be my soul mates and fur babies who rescued me from myself.  They filled me with so much love, they barked at me to take them out, they annoyed me by barking to walk them or even to get up out of bed, which was a mountain for me to climb.  And Ricky is still around for me today, he is my rock and I love him immensely.

Looking back on my experiences, I learnt to

  • own my own power
  • keep going
  • open my heart
  • feel rejection, love, loss, abandonment, helpless, emptiness
  • break from co-dependency
  • receive love
  • honour myself
  • feel worthy
  • know that love never dies and we are never alone
  • to connect with my inner child
  • be fear-less
  • that outer experiences are not the reason we are unsettled
  • need to be in a relationship
  • not seek validation from others
  • stop people pleasing

To be whom I am today. I don’t regret any part of my life.  It was showing me the parts of me that wanted to be loved, honoured, recognised so that I could see the true soul that I am.

Let me know your thoughts and experiences…enjoy.  Much love,

Elena xxx

"Would you like to stop feeling tense, tired and unable to sleep and petrified of losing control and start feeling relaxed and rested with a clearer perspective on your life?"

 

"Are you tired of beating yourself up with self-doubt and want to discover and love your true self, feeling great about who you are?"

 

"Do you want to stop feeling panicked by overwhelming emotions, putting others needs before your own and begin to build self-respect and have more time for you?"

 

Ring me on 07921 239456 or email me at elena@be-comeyou.co.uk if you want to discuss your needs.  I might not be able to help, however your first 30 minutes are free.

 

 

 

 

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